What Makes A Man
by Anne Packrat
Summary: When investigating a series of alchemy-related murders, Roy and Hawkeye's genders get switched. Now they have to deal with their new bodies and race to undercover the mastermind before more innocent people are killed. Gender-switch Het Royai Roy/Riza
1. Getting Used to the New Plumbing

[Fullmetal Alchemists and it's attendant characters and settings are created by Hiromu Arakawa, and distributed by Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation. No profit is made from this story. The villains in this piece and Mrs. Finch are my own original characters.]

What Makes a Man

_Or: Alchemical Transsexuals and the People Who Love Them_

by Anne Packrat

Note: Pronouns are always a tricky business when doing gender bending. In this case I have chosen to use the original pronouns that the person is used to, at least when it is from the person's point of view or someone they knew before is addressing them. This is intentional, it reflects the character's view of themselves. For example, Havoc will refer to Roy as "he" even though Roy's body is female.

* * *

><p>"Hey baby, wha's a girl like you doin' all 'lone in a place like this?" asked the second drunken idiot to hit on Roy that night.<p>

Roy closed his eyes in frustration and rubbed his temples. Not for the first time did he regret not staying in his room as his aunt had suggested. "Just leave me alone," he said trying not to let his annoyance leak too much into his voice.

The drunk persisted, his breath hot on Roy's neck, "You an alch'mist or somethin', honey?"

Curious, Roy moved away from the man's groping hands and turned to face him, "Why do you say that?"

Delighted at the sudden interest, the drunk clapped his hand on Roy's lower back much too close to the butt region for Roy's comfort, "Cuz you're transmutin' somethin' in my pants into iron, baby!"

Tight-lipped, Roy replied, "You know, I am in fact an alchemist." He reached into the pocket of his borrowed clothing and pulled out a glove, "Let me show you a trick..."

With the sense of impending trouble only an experienced barkeep had, Madam Christmas descended on the scene. "Now Bart," she said facing the drunk, hands on her hips, "What have I told you about leaving my daughters alone when they're off the clock?" She ignored the way Roy flinched at the word "daughters."

"Aw, com'n, Ma'am Chris'mas," the man slurred, "We wuz jus' talkin'."

Madam Christmas wasn't convinced. "Do I need to get Rocko over here to break up your little discussion?" She pointed to the hulking bald man who served as the bar's bouncer.

Bart flushed white and stood up wobbling slightly. "Tha's tha's not nec'sary. I'll jus'... I'll jus' go ov'r 'ere..." He drunkenly weaved his way into the crowd at the other end of the bar.

The large woman watched him go then turned her attention to Roy. "How many times have I told you that there will be no flame alchemy in the bar, young lady!"

Roy flinched and glared at her, "I'm a _man_, dammit!" he said anger entering his voice.

Madam Christmas quirked an eyebrow and pointedly stared at the ample breasts visible through the borrowed white blouse he wore. Roy blushed and looked down at the well-used but clean wood before him. "This is only temporary," he muttered stuffing the gloves back into his pocket, "Until I find a cure."

His foster mother nodded and leaned in close. "But until then, you have the body of a woman, and that is how other people are going to see and react to you. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be."

Roy frowned and stared down at the bar, "Just give me another whiskey," he muttered.

-ooo-

* * *

><p>The mission had been to subdue a rogue alchemist and take him into custody. Unfortunately, this had become an all too regular mission for Mustang and his team. Similar missions seemed to pop up every few months. (Hughes had once asked Roy what it was about alchemy that appeared to drive the people who practiced it insane. Roy had no idea how to answer him.)<p>

This mission had been different though, as the alchemist, one Adam Hill, had been rumored to be experimenting with making chimeras, and was suspected as being responsible for the sharp increase in the area's missing persons reports. The military was very interested (maybe _too_ interested, Roy thought privately) in the man's research, and the Flame Alchemist had been warned that if so much as a scrap of Hill's notes were burned, then it would be his pocket watch on the line.

They surrounded the abandoned warehouse Hill had holed up in (it was _always_ an abandoned warehouse). He'd sent Breda and Falman to cover the back door while Fuery was across the street, helping to coordinate movements between them all. One change from the usual formation Roy'd made was that he chose Hawkeye to follow him since she was more experienced with alchemy. That put Havoc into the sniper's nest covering the front door.

The warehouse was like many others of its ilk, filled with battered boxes and rusting bits of forgotten equipment lying around all over the place. It smelt old, dirty and most disturbingly, quite a bit like human waste and blood. A thick layer of sawdust lay on the floor marred only by the small tracks of rats, and a single pair of human footprints, which led deeper into the dingy interior toward a lit area.

Glove at the ready, Roy signaled to Hawkeye to move to the other side of the tracks. Gun in hand she obeyed, her eyes scanning the room top to bottom for any signs of an ambush. Cautiously they advanced toward the light, where soon enough they made out a figure kneeling and drawing on the ground, humming to himself off-key. He was dressed in what had at one time been a nice suit, but now it was dirty and stained with what looked like blood. His hair was white, but tangled and wild. He hummed what Roy recognized as a song popular twenty years ago in an tuneless, flat tenor.

Roy signaled to Hawkeye to cover him. Boldly, he stepped out from behind the crates he'd been using as cover. "Adam Hill, I am the Flame Alchemist. You are wanted by the military on charges of performing forbidden alchemy. Drop your chalk and come quietly or we will have to take you by force."

Adam stopped what he was doing and looked up at Roy, his eyes squinting against the glare. Then, he stuck out his tongue and blew a rather loud and blustery raspberry at the Flame Alchemist before turning back to his drawing.

Roy's eyes widened in surprise. He looked over at Hawkeye who had a similar reaction. She noticed his look and shrugged. He decided to try again. "Adam Hill, this is your last chance. We are taking you into custody whether you are willing or not."

This time Adam didn't respond at all.

Frowning Roy brought up his fingers to snap and eased his foot back as he settled into a fighting stance. "Sir, your foot-!" Hawkeye yelled. Quickly Roy looked down at the bare floor his foot had cleared of sawdust. It was inscribed with what was unmistakably an alchemical circle.

Dimly he registered Hawkeye running towards him, a half second before Adam slammed his hands down on the center of the circle. Rushing lines of light carved through the sawdust making up a complex alchemical array that encircled both him and Hawkeye. The last thing he remembered before blacking out was Adam's madly grinning face.

-ooo-

* * *

><p>Consciousness and pain pranced together through the head of Roy Mustang. The sharp antiseptic smell of a hospital assaulted his nostrils. He opened his eyes and found a rough-edged and mildly-whiskered face he'd hoped never to see again. Roy groaned as the pain in his head decided to reassert itself.<p>

Dr. Knox looked up from the chart he was reading and adjusted his glasses. "Ah, Sleeping Beauty is awake, eh?" He put down the clipboard on a nearby table and came up beside the bed. "You know, Mustang, I _am_ officially retired from treating living patients. I don't know how the army got it in its head that I'm the go to guy for alchemical fuck-ups, but I would love to kick the ass of the guy who decided it." He pulled out a small flashlight and shined it in alternately in each eye. "How are you feeling?"

Roy frowned. "My head hurts-" he stopped and frowned when his voice sounded higher than normal. He tried to sit up but was surprised to find his balance off, thrown more toward the front. With a small thread of fear starting, he pulled down on the collar of his hospital gown. His eyes widened and he looked up at Dr. Knox in panic. "Those aren't-"

With a small smile Knox pushed up his glasses. "Oh, indeed they are, Mustang. You have quite the perky set of tatas now."

Fear evident on his face, Roy threw the sheet covering his lower half off the bed and grabbed his crotch. His face fell when his hands met smooth skin. "It's….! How…?"

Knox shrugged. "From what I can gather that alchemist you were chasing did some kind of forbidden alchemy. End result is that you, Roy Mustang, the famed playboy alchemist, are now a woman."

Roy's mind flailed around for a minute. Finally he said, "That's… That's just not possible. That's human transmutation! It violates all the laws of alchemy. The Equivalent Exchange alone would be-!"

He was interrupted by Knox. "Oh, there was equivalent exchange alright."

Mustang frowned in concentration, but then his eyes widened and gave Knox a sharp glance. "You don't mean Hawkeye-?"

Knox nodded and sighed. "Yes, your lieutenant is now male."

"I need to see her!" Roy said. Quickly, he slid his legs over the side of the bed and stood unsteadily. Suddenly, everything in the room tipped dangerously and he would have fallen to the floor if not caught by Knox.

"You are not going anywhere, Mustang," Knox said settling the alchemist back into the bed, "You hit your head after you blacked out and the hospital is keeping you here a few days for observation." He pushed Roy back against the pillows and shoved a glass of water from the nightstand in his hand. "Hawkeye is fine except for a few bruises, and frankly, seems to be handling this a lot better than you are at the moment. You can see her, er, him tomorrow after you rest."

Quiet fell for a while with only Roy's soft slurping of water to break it. Knox got up and resumed looking through the chart he'd had earlier. Eventually, the alchemist put the glass back on the nightstand and folded his hands in his lap. "Knox?" he said.

Knox looked up from his chart. "Yeah, what is it?"

Roy looked down at the bed. "Thanks… Thanks for not laughing about the fact that the infamous playboy Flame Alchemist is now a…" he paused and took a breath before continuing, "-is now a woman."

The doctor snorted and put down the chart. "I may be retired but I'm still a professional." Roy sighed in relief. Knox continued, "Though I will admit that I laughed my ass when I first heard about it." He looked at his crestfallen patient and grinned, "Now I'm just savoring the sweet, sweet irony."

Gripping the glass tightly, Roy asked, "Knox, tell me the truth. Do you think there is a way to reverse this?"

Knox rubbed his chin, his five o'clock shadow making a slight bristling sound. "I'm not an alchemist, but I do know that if there is a way to fix it, I can think of only three alchemists who could do it."

Roy looked up at him sharply. "And those are?"

Pointing at Mustang's now bountiful chest, Knox said, "You're one. And the other two are the Elric brothers."

-ooo-

* * *

><p>When next Roy woke he found a blond male, sitting by his bed, head down and reading a book in his lap. Roy frowned and rubbed his temple. "Havoc," the man stiffened when he spoke, "I appreciate you looking after me, but just lay off okay, I am not in the mood for your jokes right now."<p>

"Try again, sir," the man said in an voice that was oddly both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Roy dropped his hand and his cobalt eyes met the warm brown eyes of the man next to him

"Hawkeye," he breathed, "How- how are you feeling?"

Hawkeye sighed and shut her book with a loud clap. "About as well as can be expected. I think the more important question is, how do _you_ feel, sir?"

Looking down at his lap, Roy took a few minutes to study his newly male lieutenant. Overall, she did not look all that different, broader in the shoulders and a bit taller perhaps. His facial features were not quite as soft as they used to be and, of course, her shirt went straight down instead of bowing out over her breasts. (Roy gave a brief moment of silence for her greatly missed breasts.) Finally he answered, "Confused. Definitely confused and a little angry." He slid a hand through his hair and winced as it hit the lump in the back, "And I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty scared too."

Surprisingly Riza reached out and took his hand in hers. "That's perfectly understandable. Frankly, I'm scared too." She looked up at Roy and the alchemist found himself looking deeply into her eyes, something he rarely did. Were they always red? Why hadn't he ever noticed? An intangible _something_ built up between them that he couldn't identify… Then Riza dropped her eyes and the moment was broken.

She removed her hand and put the book back on the nightstand. "Do you feel up to hearing my report on the mission, sir?"

Roy frowned as he watched her professional side slide back into place. He wanted to see more of that odd softer side of Hawkeye of which he so rarely caught a glimpse. Nodding, he said "Go ahead, lieutenant."

She stood and saluted. "Lieutenant Hawkeye here to report the results of the latest mission. The assailant escaped out the back and managed to elude Falman and Breda. A foot chase then ensued."

"Breda, of all people, got in a foot chase?" Roy asked, an eyebrow raised questioningly.

Hawkeye nodded, "Yes sir, though using Falman's knowledge of the surrounding area, Breda had managed to come up with a plan just in case of this eventuality. Within five minutes the two of them were able to corner Adam Hill. Unfortunately, the suspect had a secreted a cyanide pill in his mouth during the chase and he bit down on it, committing suicide."

Roy's face clouded and he let out a long string of curse words which would have made his foster mother blush, (if, that is, she had not been the one to teach them to him in the first place). "Did they manage to get anything out of him at all before he died?"

Picking up a file from under her book, Hawkeye flipped through a few pages. "According to Falman's report, he muttered something about being 'one step closer to God' then, as Breda's report so eloquently puts it, 'cackled madly, and slumped to the ground with a hell of a lot of poison and drool coming out of his mouth.'"

Cursing again, more softly this time, Roy said, "Anything more?"

Riza flipped through a few more pages, "Well, Falman's report does go into quite a bit of detail about how the dead body released its bowels, while Breda's just says 'The dead guy shat himself.' Somehow, I did not think either was relevant."

Roy pinched his eyes shut and rubbed his temple again. A headache that had nothing to do with the bump on his head was beginning to form. "Did a search of the warehouse turn up anything?"

The lieutenant nodded. "Yes, sir, we did manage to recover much of what appears to be Hill's notes. Unfortunately, since they were written by an alchemist, they are, of course, in code."

"Of course," Roy echoed, his headache getting worse.

"The Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother have been contacted and will be coming to help with the decoding efforts, but since they were on the far side of the country it will take them about awhile to get here."

Something in her tone alarmed Roy. After all the years they had worked together he'd learned to read her body language fairly well. "Hawkeye, that isn't all they found is it?"

Riza paused for a moment, gathering courage. Finally she spoke, "On Adam Hill's body, sir, they found a philosopher's stone. It was identical to the ones used in Ishbal."

The color drained from the alchemist's face. "But that means…."

Nodding, Riza said, "Yes, that he was not working alone. He was being supplied by someone else…."

"Someone with ties to the military," Roy finished grimly.

They were both silent for a few moments pondering the implications of this. Then Roy grimaced and shifted his legs. "Riza, uh, I have to go to the bathroom."

Riza blinked in surprise and pointed toward a door. "Right through there, sir."

Roy gritted his teeth and looked at the bed. "You don't understand, this is… this is my first time using the new equipment."

"Oh," Riza said then let out a more firm, "Oh!" Pink tinged her cheeks and she moved to help the colonel up. "It's not all that complicated. Just- just sit down instead of stand up and use toilet paper to clean up afterwards."

Roy nodded and seriously hoped his cheeks weren't as red as they felt. "Uh thanks, but just in case…"

Picking up on his unspoken message, Riza said, "I'll stay here in case you need any, er, help, sir."

"Thank you," Roy said, relieved beyond measure. He took Riza's hand and tried to ignore the odd feeling he got at having to look "up" at his lieutenant. "Riza, you know I will find some way to fix this, right?"

Riza squeezed his hand and smiled. "I wouldn't expect any less of you, sir."

-ooo-

* * *

><p>Roy's next set of visitors were not as tactful as Hawkeye or Dr. Knox.<p>

"You are definitely stacked, boss!" Havoc said, his eyes unabashedly staring in wonder at Roy's chest.

Not for the first time did a frisson of irritation run through Roy. "Yeah, thanks, Havoc, but my eyes are up here." He gestured toward his temple.

Havoc's eyes didn't move from the colonel's chest. "I'm not kidding! They're like these two soft, succulent grapefruit just hanging there!"

Okay, _now_ Roy was beginning to get weirded out. "Havoc, if you do not stop ogling my chest in five seconds there will be one extra crispy lieutenant sitting next to me."

That did it. Havoc's eyes snapped to Roy's face and he flushed white. "Sorry, boss! I was just, er, admiring your innate beauty."

Crossing his arms to protect against further stares, Roy rolled his eyes, "Oh, I'm sure. And if this is how you normally behave around women then it's no wonder you are perpetually dateless."

"Hey!" Havoc said, pointing at his commander, "It's not my fault! You're the one always stealing them from me!" His face brightened. "But that's not a problem anymore now! With the great Flame Alchemist sidelined all the women of Central are mine for the taking!"

A snort came from the foot of Mustang's bed. "Yeah, right!" Breda said grinning, "I bet they'd rather go lesbian for the Colonel than date you."

A corner of Roy's mouth quirked upward. "That is true," he conceded, "I have always had a particular way with women and I am rather attractive even as one."

Havoc frowned, "Yeah, but… you have breasts now!"

Roy formed his first smirk since the incident. "But they are particularly nice breasts. You said so yourself didn't you?" He experimentally hefted one of the objects in question.

Eyes wide, Havoc sputtered, but was saved from answering by Breda. "Any idea when they're going to let you out, Chief?" he asked, while poking around at the colonel's just delivered lunch.

"Knox says they'll probably release me tomorrow, but I have to go to my foster mother's home."

"Why?" Havoc asked puzzled.

Roy sat back against his pillows. "Well, the military wants to keep this quiet for now and going home would… Breda! Are you eating my lunch?"

Breda, who had lifted the top off the covered tray, looked up guiltily. "No! Of course not! Come on, you don't want to eat hospital food anyway, it all tastes like ass."

"Then why is your finger covered in pudding?"

The portly lieutenant quickly stuck the offending digit behind his back. "Well, the pudding's the only good part."

Roy put his face in his hands. "Why the hell did I choose you two to be my subordinates anyway?"

Breda carefully put the lid back on the tray and wiped off his finger on the napkin. "Well, I know for me it's because I'm the only one who can regularly beat you at chess." He pointed toward the blonde by the bed, "In Havoc's case I think it's because he's so pathetic he makes anyone next to him look better by comparison."

"Hey!" Havoc said, jumping up, "I resemble that remark!"

As Roy watched his two lieutenants get into one of their regular heated arguments full of put downs, name calling and assorted male-posturing, he smiled. There were many reasons he'd chosen the two of them to be his subordinates. They were talented, trustworthy, and good in a fight, but most importantly they were always tremendously amusing.

-ooo-

* * *

><p>A day later Roy was released from the hospital and spent the next several days holed up in a room at his foster mother's bar. On the night of the sixth day he'd finally decided that he'd done enough sulking and sat down at the bar for a few drinks against his foster mother's advice. After three attempted pickups and several butt-pinches, Roy was coming to regret that decision.<p>

Out of the corner of his eye he noted yet another man sitting down next to him. He sighed. "'eave me 'lone," he said, his words slurring slightly to the right, "I'm not 'onna 'ose girls. I ain' fo' sale."

"Sir," came the strangely deep but familiar tones of his lieutenant, "I think you've had enough."

"Hawkeye," he said by way of greeting while turning toward his newest "male" subordinate, "Nah, I'm nah drun' yet."

Taking in his unfocused eyes and the random slurring of words, Hawkeye didn't believe him for a second. "Sir, you clearly are." She reached for the glass in his hand. "Why don't you just let me have this?"

"Nooooo!" Roy said, resisting her grabbing attempt, "I'm nah drun'! It 'akes eight shots ta get me drun' and this is… is onl' six!"

Riza rolled her eyes. "Did you take into account the fact that you have less body mass now?"

Roy frowned and suddenly let go of his drink, causing Hawkeye's arm to launch backward quickly in reaction, spilling much of the whisky on the countertop and her hand. "No I din think o' 'at." His brows knotted together as he thought. "Taking 'at inta 'sideration then ya I am drun'."

Wiping off her alcohol-soaked hand with a nearby rag, Hawkeye sighed in exasperation, "Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out."

Moving his eyes to which of the three faces he thought was hers, Roy asked, "An'way what er 'ou doin' here?"

Hawkeye finished with her hand and gave the bar a quick swipe before putting the rag aside. "Madam Christmas called me. She thinks you would do better if you got out of this environment for awhile. I'm taking you home with me."

Roy frowned and stared down at the bar in thought. Then he looked up at Hawkeye. "You- You hittin' on me, 'Awkeye?"

Gritting her teeth in annoyance, Riza stood and dragged Roy to his feet. "I would dearly love to hit you, sir," she said dragging him stumbling toward the door, "Luckily for you there are regulations against a subordinate hitting a superior. Even if said superior is clearly drunk and acting like an insufferable ass."

Madam Christmas met them at the door and handed Hawkeye a duffle bag. "Here's some clothes and toiletries for him, mostly castoffs from his sisters. I'm sure you can provide him with anything else he needs." The older woman smiled. "Always a pleasure to see you again, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye threaded Roy's arm around her shoulder and took the bag in her unoccupied hand. "It's a pleasure to see you as well, Madam Christmas," she said, her tone turning rueful, "I just wish it wasn't always under these same circumstances."

* * *

><p>-ooo-<p>

Thank you to the creators, cast and crew of the FMA manga, and series.

Thank you for reading.

Please stay tuned for Chapter II, coming soon.

-Anne Packrat (April 20, 2011)


	2. The Teehee Maneuver

[Fullmetal Alchemists and it's attendant characters and settings are created by Hiromu Arakawa, and distributed by Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation. No profit is made from this story. The villains in this piece and Mrs. Finch are my own original characters.]

What Makes a Man - Chapter II: The Infamous "Teehee" Maneuver

by Anne Packrat

* * *

><p>The all-to-familiar (lately at least) sensations of pain and agony raced through Roy Mustang's head as he regained consciousness. He opened his eyes, then immediately cursed and squinted as the sunlight from the window assaulted him. Groaning, he put his hand over his face and turned away from the cruel light. Slowly, the events of the night before filtered back to him. He sighed, and thanked whatever god had prevented Hawkeye from killing him last night right there at the bar.<p>

He sat up slowly and looked around Hawkeye's bedroom. It appeared fairly spartan, as per the rest of her apartment, but here and there were more personal touches. Several books lay on the floor near the bed, and on the vanity were the few cosmetics she owned (many of which his other subordinates had gotten for her birthday the year before). Hung on the wall was an old Creatan rug she'd found in an antique store back in Eastern, and several knickknacks and framed pictures were arranged on a bookshelf next to the rug.

Roy stood and padded toward the door, but was stopped midway when his foot painfully connected with a solid object. Hissing softly, he looked down to find a rather large bone in the middle of the floor. He picked it up and placed it next to the dog bed by the door. The inhabitant of said dog bed looked up at Roy with a bleary eye, then put his head back down and went back to sleep. "Ungrateful mutt," Roy muttered.

He used the bathroom (he'd figured out the use of his "new plumbing" quite quickly), took some aspirin, and went out into the living room to find a rather curious sight. His lieutenant was sprawled out on a couch (that was too small for her now male body), a plaid blanket covering her legs. One hand dangled near the floor and the other rested on top of her stomach where the tanktop she'd worn to bed had shifted upward in her sleep. If she'd still been a woman, then he would be getting quite the show right now, Roy thought ruefully. As it was, he was seeing more of his subordinate's skin at this moment then he had in a very long time.

"Sir….?"

Roy's cobalt eyes moved to meet the two bleary ones of his lieutenant. "Good morning, Hawkeye," he said, "Thank you for your help last night. I helped myself to your aspirin. I didn't think you'd mind."

She yawned. "No, that's fine," Riza said in a husky, sleep-filled voice. She sat up and threw the blanket off her legs, at which point Roy's eyebrows rose.

"My my, Hawkeye!" he said, a smirk beginning to form, "I know I make for an attractive woman, but please do _try_ to contain yourself."

Frowning, Riza followed his gaze, then flushed white and quickly covered her midsection again with the blanket. "You know very well that this is a perfectly normal reaction adult males get in the morning!" she snapped, blushing and not meeting his eyes.

The smirk was fully formed now. "Oh, I know the phenomenon of 'morning wood' quite well. I believe I was the one who introduced the concept to you, in fact, oh so many years ago. I recall you slapped me, called me a pervert, ran out of the room and refused to ever come and wake me up ever again."

Rolling her eyes, Riza stood and wrapped her blanket tightly around her traitorous midsection. "I was a 14-year-old girl, how exactly did you expect me to react?"

Roy shrugged. "You could have offered to help me with it. That seems the polite thing to do."

Spluttering, Riza glared at Roy, "Help you? Polite thing to do…!" She took a deep breath and shook her head. "No, I am not having this conversation with you. Not again." She turned her attention to putting the couch cushions back in their proper place.

"So…." Roy asked, hands in the pockets of pajamas, and a mischievous tone to his voice "Have you named it yet?"

"Named what?" Hawkeye asked distractedly.

Roy rocked back and forth on his heels, "Oh, you know, your new appendage."

Riza paused then looked up at Roy in shock. "My what? Why the hell would I want to _name_ it?"

Scratching the back of his head, Roy replied, "It's not that weird. Most guys name it. Might I suggest you call it Roy?" His smirk returned, "That way you can think of me whenever you're using it."

The lieutenant stood and rubbed her temple, where a vein had begun to throb. "I have no intention of naming my penis, Colonel, as I do not intend to have it long enough to get attached to it." She sighed, then bent and resumed tucking a throw around the couch cushions.

Shrugging, Roy said, "I don't know what the big deal is, it's just like how women name their breasts. Heck, I've already named mine."

For the third time that day, Riza paused and looked up at Roy in horror. "You named your...?"

Grinning, he hefted his left breast. "This is Hooter." He dropped it and lifted up the other. "And this is Puff."

That vein was beginning to throb uncontrollably now. "Most women do not name their breasts, sir," Riza said, trying but failing to keep her voice level.

Roy looked confused. "My sisters and aunt do."

"Your aunt and sisters work in a bordello!"

Frowning, Roy said, "That's not an excuse. Look, I bet you're just stumped for names. Why don't you let me help? I'm good at naming things."

Riza stood and tightened the blanket wrapped around her middle. She headed toward the bathroom. "This is another conversation I am not having with you!"

She was at the bathroom door when she heard Roy call, "Hey, Riza?"

"What?" she said, her voice thick with frustration.

She could almost hear Roy's smirk in his words. "Have you at least taken it for a test drive yet?"

The angry slam of door was his only answer.

-ooo-

* * *

><p>Once Roy finished his own shower, he dressed in some of the clothes his foster mother had packed and came out to find Hawkeye making eggs and toast.<p>

"Do you still prefer your eggs sunny side up or have you tastes changed in the last decade?" she asked.

Roy shook his head. "Sunny side up is fine. Though normally my breakfast is only a piece of toast and some hair of the dog."

Riza cracked two eggs into a frying pan. "Alcohol so early in the morning isn't good for you."

Shrugging Roy answered, "I do a lot of things that aren't good for me." He sat down at the table and frowned at the stack of papers in front of him. "What's this?"

After retrieving a jar of jelly, butter, and a knife from the cupboard, Riza put them on the table. "That is a detailed history and papers for your female persona. Fuery, Breda and the others cooked it up on orders from General Gruuman."

"Robin Mustang?" Roy asked, flipping through the elaborate papers that included a detailed record of "her" childhood, job and even dating history.

Riza slid the eggs onto a plate and checked on the bread in the toaster. "Robin Mustang, cousin to the infamous Flame Alchemist, you were raised at Madame Christmas's, but ran away to the West at the age of 19 because you fell in love with a shady alchemist twice your age. He taught you some basic alchemy, but eventually dumped you for a blonde showgirl with bigger breasts. Angry and embarrassed, you used your alchemy to do odd jobs and eventually found you had a knack for it. After that you had a long series of failed relationships. You lived in the West for awhile working as a file clerk, until you finally decided to come back home and pursue your studies full time, using your cousin Roy's old alchemy texts." The toast popped and Riza put it on the plate next to the eggs. "Quite a good history, sir, since fits your personality and allows you to still do some alchemy without being questioned."

He had a sour look on his face throughout Riza's recitation of his new history. "Failed relationships? Dumped for a big-breasted showgirl? Who the hell thought this crap up?"

Riza slid the plate in front of Roy. "I believe it was Havoc, sir."

Frowning Roy looked down at his food, "What the hell did I ever do to him?"

Two eggs sizzled as Riza dropped her own breakfast into the pan, "You mean besides stealing four girlfriends, five potential girlfriends and ten secretary's and waitress's phone numbers from him? Oh, and I also heard you threatened to burn him in the hospital, and in his own words 'taunted him with your breasts.'"

Roy harumphed and savagely attacked a piece of egg with his fork. "What's your story then?"

Masterfully flipping the eggs and catching them again, Riza said, "I am Richard Hawkeye, a second lieutenant at Southern headquarters. I grew up in a foster home in the South, and joined the military soon after graduating from high school. After the Ishbal War I learned I had a cousin, Riza Hawkeye. I exchanged letters with her for several years, but never had a chance to meet in person. Finally I was able to come to Central on special assignment from General Gruuman. While here, I finally got to meet my cousin and agreed to dog and housesit for her since she and her commanding officer were being assigned to a top secret undercover mission." She moved the eggs to a plate and retrieved another two slices of toast. "That is the reason for our disappearance, by the way, we have been assigned to do undercover work elsewhere in the country. Fuery and Falman doctored the books to make it look like we've been gone a week already."

Roy's toast made a brisk crunch when he bit into it. "How come you get to stay in the military and I have to be a civilian?" he asked spraying crumbs around the table and ignoring Riza's disgusted glare.

Throwing a napkin at his head, Riza said, "Keep your mouth shut while you're chewing!" She ignored the rude gesture Roy made back at her. "I pulled a few strings and was able to get my persona that of a military officer. Besides, it makes it a lot easier to investigate this case if one of us still has access to military records. And given your history, the boys thought that I better fit the profile of a dedicated military officer."

Rolling his eyes, Roy reached for the jelly jar again. "What I don't get is why we are 'cousins'? Doesn't that just make it all the more obvious that we are not who we say we are?"

"Well, we still look like our normal selves despite the gender change, sir," Riza said, meticulously cutting up her eggs into small pieces, "Making us cousins gives us an excuse for that similarity." She delicately speared a piece and chewed it thoroughly, continuing when she was done, "Also given the nature of your foster mother's, er, business, it's not unreasonable that there are various scattered Mustang fosters and foundlings out there. As for myself, I am known as a private person, and the only people who know my family history are yourself and General Gruuman."

Roy frowned. "Why General Gruuman?"

Riza blinked in surprise. "You do know he's my maternal grandfather don't you?" She grew alarmed as Roy began to choke on a piece of toast. "Roy, are you alright?"

Holding up his hand to appease her, Roy took a big swallow and managed to clear the obstruction. "He's your grandfather?" he finally managed to croak out.

She looked at him with concern, but eventually shrugged and reached for the jelly jar. "Yes, apparently my mother had a falling out with her family over marrying my father, and never talked to them again. General Gruuman found me when I was in the Academy and introduced himself. I knew my mother's maiden name was Gruuman, but I never put her and the General together until he approached me." She frowned. "You mean, you never knew after all this time?'

He shook his head. "No, I never knew." Rubbing his temple, a memory of an old chess match with his mentor surfaced, "But knowing that now does explain a lot."

-ooo-

* * *

><p>After breakfast came an hour during which Riza quizzed Roy on his new identity until she was sure he knew it in and out.<p>

"Can we stop this?" Roy said, "I've read these papers from front to back six times, and I'm beginning to get a crick in my neck. I know everything about my damn persona. And I'm going to kill Havoc for creating it when this is all over."

"I guess," Riza said. She glanced at the clock. "We should really get you back to Madame Christmas's."

Roy pouted, "Why can't I stay here? If I go back, my sisters will go back to cooing and dressing me up in all these gaudy outfits and makeup like some sort of porcelain prostitute doll! Plus guys keep hitting on me there."

Riza sighed and rubbed at her temple. "Exactly how do you think it would look if I, an upstanding military officer, were 'shacking up' in an apartment that is not mine with a young unmarried civilian woman of questionable virtue?"

"Who has questionable virtue?" Roy asked angrily.

Riza rolled her eyes. "Well, _I_ don't think that, but most of my neighbors are very proper, elderly widows who gossip about everything. It was risky having you stay here for even one night."

Relenting, Roy gathered everything in the bag his aunt had packed for him, while Hawkeye fed Hayate and grabbed her keys. Soon enough they were both ready, and with a kiss goodbye on Hayate's head from Riza, they left the apartment…

Only to come face to face with one of Riza's "proper gossiping and elderly" neighbors.

"Mrs. Finch!" Riza said in surprise. Quickly she put on a too bright smile and addressed the platinum haired woman. "How are you today?"

"Richard," Mrs. Finch greeted dryly. Her eyes left angry disapproving trails on Roy's body as she inspected him from head to foot. Her lips tightened in a scowl and Roy immediately disliked the woman. "Does your cousin know you are using her apartment for rendezvous with…" Her eyebrow raised and she glanced toward Roy again then back to Riza, "Dubious women?"

Inwardly, Roy seethed. He was no stranger to glares and disapproving looks, being on the receiving end of many all throughout his childhood. He'd be damned if he was going to let Hawkeye suffer them now! A flash of inspiration caused him to smile. He now had both an answer to his accommodation problem, and he could wipe that disapproving look right off this woman's face.

Riza fumbled to answer but was cut off by Roy. "Well, of course, she does!" he said brightly, doing his best to keep his rising anger and dislike for Mrs. Finch out of his voice, "Why wouldn't Riza have a problem with her cousin letting his fiancee stay over?"

Fortunately Riza's jaw dropping open in shock went unnoticed by Mrs. Finch. The older woman sniffed. "Fiancee, you say? If that's true then were is your ring?"

Roy waved his hand in dismissal. "Oh, I don't have one yet." He grabbed onto Riza's arm, causing the lieutenant to shift uncomfortably. "You know the Hawkeye's, they're all such traditionalists! This big lug insisted that he get me the biggest diamond ring he could find, but since he was transferred here so quickly, we've had absolutely no time to shop for one! Isn't that right, sweetie?" Roy elbowed his lieutenant in the side.

"Er, right," Riza repeated, desperately trying to regain her shattered composure, "No time at all."

"So since my cuddle bunny is finally settled in," he squeezed Riza's arm again, and giggled, "I'm able to come and stay with him now!"

"Is that so?" Mrs. Finch said looking back and forth between the two quickly. Suddenly she relaxed, and her lips quirked up in a prim smile. "Well, then, I apologize for what I said earlier. I'm Myrtle Finch. And you are?"

Roy grabbed her hand and shook it vigorously. "For now I'm Robin Mustang. But soon I hope to be Robin Hawkeye!"

"Of course," Mrs. Finch said, wincing as she pulled her hand out of Roy's enthusiastic grip, "Now if you two need anything let me know!"

"Thank you!" Roy said, in a too bubbly voice, "I'm so glad that dear Riza has such kind neighbors!"

Mrs. Finch pulled her keys out of her large wicker purse. "Yes, well, I have to go put the groceries away now."

"Okaaaaayyyy!" Roy sang, "Thank you for taking care of me and sugarkins!"

With another wave Mrs. Finch unlocked her door and went into her apartment. As soon as the door closed, Riza grabbed Roy's elbow and dragged him back into her apartment and out of earshot.

"What the hell was that?" she hissed.

A smirk decorated Roy's face. "That, my dear fiancee," he ignored Riza's scowl at the word fiancee, "was Madame Christmas Spy Technique #3, codenamed 'The Teehee Maneuver.' It's designed to put the target at ease and get them to lower their guard by projecting the image that the spy is flighty and dumb and, therefore, not a threat."

Riza's scowl deepened. "There is no need to use your so-called 'Spy Techniques' on my elderly neighbors!"

"I really don't see what the problem is," Roy said, dropping his bag on a chair by the door, "This way I can stay here properly, without damaging the Hawkeye name. Plus, it'll be easier to coordinate our investigation efforts if we are living together."

Her tense shoulders drooped in defeat. She stared at the floor. "I'm really not comfortable with this, Roy."

Roy sighed and put a hand on Riza's arm. "I know, Riza, and I'm sorry. But that woman just pissed me off and I had to do something to save your and your 'cousin's' good name."

She put her hand over his and squeezed it. Her eyes moved up to meet his. "All right, Roy. But if you ever, EVER call me 'Sugarkins' again I will shoot you in the foot."

Grinning, Roy stepped back and gave her a mock salute. "Understood. I will stick to sweetie-bird and cuddle bunny!"

Riza scowled again. "Roy, you know that-" She was interrupted by her phone ringing. Blinking in surprise, Riza turned and went to get the phone. She picked it up, and after a hushed conversation with the caller, hung it up again.

"What is it?" Roy asked.

She turned toward the door and grabbed her coat. "That was Fuery," she said over her shoulder, "Grab your coat. The Elric brothers train has arrived."

-ooo-

* * *

><p>It was only a short while until they got to headquarters, but even in that small amount of time, Roy was amazed that Edward Elric had still somehow managed to acquire a large amount of food, which he was digging into with gusto. Al sat next to his brother on the couch, reading a magazine.<p>

Roy entered the room and held the door open for his subordinate, closing it firmly afterward. He went over to the two boys. "With the amount you eat, Fullmetal, it's a wonder why you're still so short."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING-" he stopped speaking when he looked at Roy. He sprayed crumbs down his shirt as he fell back on the couch laughing hysterically.

"Brother! You're being rude!" Al said, in a futile attempt to stop the tide.

Ed held his stomach, which had begun to ache during his laughing. "Oh god!" he said between tears, "You look ridiculous! You look like someone took a Mustang doll and drew boobs on it!"

Roy's eyes tightened and he pulled out a chair and sat on it. "You know, Fullmetal, the original orders in the Adam Hill case were for you and your brother to be the ones investigating. So it could just have easily been you and your brother sitting here as females. Though I'm not sure exactly how that would work with your brother…" (The resulting mental image of Al Elric with pots welded to his chest was quickly banished by Roy into the deep depths of his mind.)

Shaking his head to clear it, Roy continued. "But since I managed convince the higher-ups that you would not be able to be back in time, I took it up personally, instead."

Sensing Ed's impending outburst, Al clamped a large empty gauntlet over his brother's mouth. "Thank you very much for that, sir," he said toward Roy, "We really appreciate your, uh, sacrifice on our behalf."

Roy nodded. "Thank you, Al. You seem to have gotten all the politeness in the family."

Ed finally managed to push his brother's hand away. "Yeah, whatever, Flamebutt. What exactly do you want us to do?"

Holding out a hand to the blond behind him, Roy was handed a sheaf of papers. He put them on the table (avoiding the dishes of food) and slid them toward the brothers. "These are Adam Hill's notes. We need your help decoding them, so I can figure out how to reverse this."

Taking the notes and flipping through them, Ed said, "All right, we can do that." He looked up at Mustang then the blond behind him. "Is Havoc our liaison or something? Is that why you're here instead of Hawkeye?" The blond stiffened at this, and frowned.

"Brother!" Al whispered.

Ed frowned. "What?" he squinted at the lieutenant, "Havoc, when did you start growing your hair long?"

Al hid his head in shame. In contrast, Roy was smirking up a storm. "For someone so smart, Fullmetal, you really are completely clueless sometimes."

"I'm not Havoc, Edward," Riza said, in a clear but annoyed tone, "I am Riza Hawkeye."

Eyes widening, Ed flushed white and stared at the blond in shock. "Oh god!" he said, "I guess I forgot that you got switched too, lieutenant. I'm really sorry!"

Riza sighed. "It's fine, Edward. You aren't the first to make that mistake." She shot a glare at Mustang, which he ignored. "I suppose when you see a tall blond man near the colonel it makes sense to assume it's Havoc."

Al took the stack of papers off the table and flipped through them. His gasp caused Ed to turn toward him. Ed's eyes widened and he pulled the pack out of Al's hands. He gave a low whistle. "This guy was into some sick shit."

"Yes," Roy said, all traces of humor gone from his voice. His lips were set in a grim line. "He was a deeply disturbed man. I'll spare you from hearing the list of items we found in his warehouse."

Paging through the pack, Ed passed several detailed anatomical drawings of a severed human arm that ended in an eagle talon. "He didn't actually make any of these did he?" Ed paused on a drawing of a man with wings. "A lot of this is basically human transmutation. There's no way you can cover the Equivalent Exchange on most of these, without ending up like Al and me."

Roy steepled his fingers together and leaned forward. "Indeed, Fullmetal, which is why what I am saying to you now will not go beyond this room." He took a breath to steady himself. "Adam Hill was found with a Philosopher's Stone. It's likely one of the batch that Dr. Marco made during the Ishbal War."

Ed scowled while Al clenched the metal under his hands. "So the goddamn government gave this sick bastard a Stone?" Ed said, in a low angry whisper.

Hawkeye shook her head. "No, they wouldn't risk the bad blood it would cause. We think Hill got them indirectly through another source. Right now we are investigating all of the contractors the government has worked with in the past five years."

There was a grating sound as Ed tightly clenched his automail fist. "I want to help you get this guy!"

"No," Roy said very firmly. "No, I need you here figuring out how to reverse what was done to Riza and I." He held up a hand to forestall the junior alchemist's objection. "No, Edward. That is final. You and your brother have the most experience with human transmutation, so you are the only ones who can do this. I will not let Riza suffer with this."

Riza blinked in surprise. "Sir?"

Roy smiled and looked up at her. "You're not a bad looking man, Hawkeye, but I much prefer you with breasts." He turned back to Ed. "If you can switch me back too, I would, of course, appreciate that as well." He turned thoughtful. "And with any luck, you might find some lead that will help you in your own quest."

Al nodded. "We'll do our best, sir," he said, "Is there a way to reach you since you're, er, incognito?"

"You can talk to any of my subordinates if you need anything. If by some chance you need to contact me right away you can call me at Hawkeye's. I'm staying with her."

There was a knock at the door. "Come in," Roy said, raising his voice so it'd be heard on the other side of the door.

The door swung open to reveal a very grim-faced Havoc. "Boss, Hawkeye…. There's been more murders."

"Are you sure these are connected to the Hill case?" Hawkeye asked.

Havoc nodded. "There's signs of alchemy being used there, and, well, I think you should just go see for yourselves…"

-ooo-

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading the second chapter of this story. The other chapters (of which there are two) should follow shortly.<p>

-Thanks to the creators, cast and crew of the FMA manga and anime series. I hope you and your loved ones are okay.

-A HUGE thank you to everyone who takes the time to review. I greatly appreciate it!

-And thanks to you for reading.

-Anne Packrat (April 23, 2011)


	3. Rule 1 Among Mustang's Men

[Fullmetal Alchemists and it's attendant characters and settings are created by Hiromu Arakawa, and distributed by Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation. No profit is made from this story. The villains in this piece and Mrs. Finch are my own original characters.]

What Makes a Man - Chapter III: Rule #1 Among Mustang's Men

by Anne Packrat

-ooo-

* * *

><p>The crime scene was in yet another abandoned warehouse (Roy silently wondered just how many abandoned warehouses Central had).<p>

They were stopped at the door by a stern looking warrant officer. "I'm sorry, lieutenant, but civilians are not allowed inside."

"Don't worry about that!" Roy said, grabbing Hawkeye's hand, "Sweetums here is my fiancee!"

Riza sighed and took an official looking document out of her coat pocket. "She is an outside consultant on this case. She is to be given access to all crime scenes, records and other materials related to the case by order of Colonel Roy Mustang."

The officer took the paper and scanned it briefly. He handed it back to Hawkeye and saluted. "Understood, sir!" he said, stepping out of the doorway, "The scene is towards the back. Oh, and congratulations on your engagement, sir!"

Feeling the vein start to throb in her head again, Hawkeye muttered a quick thank you and entered with Roy trailing behind her. Once out of earshot, Roy leaned close and said, "You know, I don't remember signing any orders recently, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye's face betrayed no emotion. "Circumstances, sir, among them your own laziness with paperwork, have forced me to become adept at forging your signature over the years."

"You know," Roy said, grinning, "Forging your fiancee's signature is against the law."

"So is shooting your fiancee," Riza countered, "And I've been thinking about doing that more and more recently." Roy quickly shut up after that.

The crime scene was a buzz of activity. Falman jotted down notes for Dr. Knox, and Breda worked on a plaster mold of a footprint just outside the back door. Fuery had a camera in his hand, but was hanging off to the side, looking decidedly ill.

No, what was unusual about the scene was the lack of bodies. Instead there were several statues in various states of repair, carved by what appeared to be a master-craftsman. Several of the statues were of animals, but there were a few humans, including two children. One of the statues lay on the ground. It wasn't until he saw Knox examining one of them that Roy realized that the statues _were_ the bodies.

"What happened here?" Roy demanded, his colonel mask easily slipping into place.

Falman saluted and answered. "Several children were playing a game of tag in here, sir, when one bumped into a statue," he pointed to a fallen one with a cracked arm. "They got scared and ran to an adult when they noticed the blood."

Roy knelt near the statue, and ran a finger over the floor where dried blood had pooled under the cracked masonry. He rocked back on his heels. Hawkeye came up behind him and he heard her gasp in shock. "What happened to them?" she asked.

Knox straightened and groaned as he popped his back. "Near as I can tell, some lunatic transmuted their skin into stone," he said, frowning, "He froze their mouths shut, but left their nostrils clear so they could breathe."

Hawkeye's eyes widened. "You mean these people were alive when this was done to them?"

Nodding, Knox continued. "Yep. Even worse, the sick fuck had taped their eyes open beforehand, so that they had to watch the whole thing."

Fuery made a choking sound in the corner and turned paler. Roy took pity on the young officer. "Falman, you take Fuery out for some air, Breda, you take over camera duty." Breda took the camera from a distinctly grateful looking Fuery, who was escorted out by Falman.

"How long have they been like this, Knox?" Roy asked.

Knox looked over one of the child bodies. "I can't be sure without a full autopsy, but right now I'd say they've been like this for a few days, maybe a week at most. I think the animals have been dead longer."

"And how long were they trapped inside?"

Shining a flashlight in the face of the child, Knox said. "Again I can't be sure, but probably no more than 48 hours given the trauma the transmutation would cause to their bodies. I checked and they're all dead now. Though this one," he pointed at the cracked statue, "was alive this morning when the kids found them, but only barely."

"So in your professional opinion," Roy asked grimly, "You think Adam Hill was dead when these people were turned to stone?"

Knox nodded. "Yes. His body, or at least the remains of it, was lying on my autopsy table when these people were tortured."

"Hey, boss," Breda said, "We did find a note. It's over in a box where Fuery was."

Hawkeye walked over and retrieved the baggie containing the note. She handed it to Roy. "Falman figures it's in some language called Latin," Breda continued, "We have a call into Central University asking for a translator."

"Cancel that, Breda," Roy said, "I'll translate it myself."

Knox cocked an eyebrow, "You know Latin?"

"Of course, I learned it when…" Roy stopped himself. He couldn't very well tell them he learned Latin so he could decipher the tattoo on Hawkeye's back and learn the secrets of Flame Alchemy. "Er, I learned it when I was a child," he finished lamely.

"What does it say, sir?" Hawkeye asked.

Roy frowned and looked at it closely. "I'm a bit rusty, but I think it reads: Dear Flame Alchemitrix, Are you enjoying the gift of femininity God bestowed on you? How about the works of art I created in his name? The time is near when you are to come and bask in his glory yourself. Four days hence on the Ides at the twentieth hour, will be the time you will meet the Almighty. Show up outside Warehouse C near the western docks. Only you and the other bearer of God's gift are so chosen. All others must stay away or risk his wrath."

Everyone was silent for several moments after Roy finished reading. Finally, Breda broke the silence, "Damn, Boss, He's calling you out."

"Between all this religious bullshit, and this," Knox said, gesturing to the statues, "Mustang, you are dealing with some very deranged minds."

"That, Knox," Roy said grimly, letter clenched in his fist, "Is an understatement."

-ooo-

* * *

><p>Two days later had Hawkeye going through a box of case documents at her kitchen table, and Roy pacing back and forth. Black Hayate sat on the couch, lazily watching the alchemist go from the front door to the hallway and back again.<p>

"Sir," Hawkeye said in an exasperated tone, "The rug here might not be of the best quality, but I'd rather you not hasten its demise with your pacing."

Roy sighed and flopped down onto a chair opposite her. "I hate having to wait before battles. Whoever said waiting is the worst part of war was dead on the money."

Riza's eyes softened. "I know how hard it is. But worrying never helps."

He sighed and put his head in his hands. "It's not just the meeting either".

"What else is wrong then?" she asked.

Jerkily running a hand through his hair, Roy took a deep breath. "The Elrics called while you were out getting lunch. They-" he paused and took another deep breath to steady himself, "They've looked through Hill's notes and have come to the conclusion that nothing short of another philosopher's stone can change us back." He dropped his hand and almost glanced over at Riza, holding his breath in nervous anticipation of her reaction.

"Oh," was all she said. But her face spoke volumes, a myriad of emotions flitting across it quickly. Disappointment, fear, guilt, surprise, all were quick to come and go across her features. Finally, her emotions settled and she shrugged. "Well, there is no law that says a woman can't be Fuhrer."

Roy blinked in surprise. "You mean you'd be all right with staying a man forever?"

Riza shook her head. "Well, no, not really. But even as a man, I can still watch your back. I just have to bend down a bit in the process."

Smiling wanly, Roy said, "Being a woman for awhile has been fun, but I don't want to stay this way."

"I don't either," Riza said, "but considering what else this group has done…" She trailed off and looked down at the table, her thoughts no doubt filled with images of the bleeding statues.

Roy frowned. "Yeah, I guess we got off easy." They grew quiet for a moment, until Roy looked up at his lieutenant. "Riza, how are you doing with the new body? You seem to be handling this well, but lord knows you have a great poker face, so it's hard to tell just what you're thinking sometimes."

Riza didn't answer right away. She tidied the papers in front of her and finally looked up at Roy. "I'm not going to say it hasn't been difficult, because it has. But I am adjusting a bit at a time. It is nice not to have to worry about getting my period." Her smile grew impish. "Speaking of which, sir, has anyone talked to you yet about yours?" She giggled at Roy's horrified look.

"Lieutenant," Roy said, aghast, "I don't want to think about that and neither should you!"

She wagged her finger in his face. "You really should know about it, Roy, so you're prepared for when it happens."

Roy scowled. "Look, I know about periods okay? I grew up in a house full of women, and later in my life I learned a lot about it from observing you."

Raising an eyebrow, Riza gave him a curious look, "Oh, like what?"

"Rule number one among the men in our office," Roy said, grinning, "Do all your paperwork, and be extra nice to Hawkeye when she's PMSing."

Her eyes widened. "Wait," she said, horrified, "Are you saying _the entire office_ knew my menstruation schedule?"

Roy shrugged. "Pretty much. Didn't you notice there was always three days marked 'RP' marked on the calendar every month? It stands for 'Riza's Period.'"

"Breda told me that stood for the 'Rifle Proficiency' tests that HQ has every month!"

"Well, that's what we wanted you to think," he said, "We didn't think you'd appreciate the real meaning."

Riza crossed her arms and glared at him. "Well, I don't!" A sly smile blossomed on her face, "Well, I guess since I'm now a man, from now on they'll have to change the dates, but they can at least keep the 'RP' acronym."

Roy stared at her. "Why can they keep the acronym?"

Her smile grew wider. "Well, it can stand for 'Roy's Period' now can't it? I must say, I do not look forward to how emotional you're going to get when it's your time of the month."

He scowled, then stood and turned his back to her. "Get back to work, lieutenant," he said over his shoulder, before angrily resuming his pacing.

Riza smiled and picked up another report from the pile.

-ooo-

* * *

><p>For the fifth time in an hour, Roy went over the plan in his mind. Breda, being their strategist, had theorized that the group would likely not set up the meeting here, instead Roy and Hawkeye would be taken elsewhere in a car, and probably blindfolded during the ride. Roy agreed with him that this was their enemies' most likely move, so the plan had been based around this scenario.<p>

At first, he and Hawkeye were to play along, and do what the enemy asked. Meanwhile, Havoc and Breda would do their best to follow the car inconspicuously. At the scene, Havoc would set up his sniper equipment on a nearby rooftop and cover the front entrance. Breda was to standby and provide backup as needed. Meanwhile, Fuery would be monitoring them with a transmitter he'd put in Roy's left shoe, and Hawkeye's jacket pocket. Falman's job was to pour over maps of the area and find the best positions for Havoc and Breda.

While it did feel good to have a plan, Roy was anxious at the number of unknown variables in it. For instance, Havoc and Breda could very well lose the car among the hustle and bustle of Central's busy downtown. Also, the transmitters Fuery was using were new, and largely untested. There was no guarantee that he'd be able to hear anything while the car that picked them up was in motion.

The biggest flaw in the plan though, was the fact that his opponents were a bunch of religious fanatics. Roy knew from his own experience in the Ishbal War that the only thing you could predict about zealots was how unpredictable they are.

Roy was drawn out of his reverie by a hand on his arm. "They're coming," Riza said, having spied the car first with her namesake vision. Soon enough, he made out twin headlights moving slowly down the road toward the warehouse. The car pulled to a stop in front of them, and Roy was surprised to find it was a stretch limo.

The first person to emerge was a huge hulk of a man, heavily scarred and tattooed, and wielding a rifle. Roy promptly decided to call him "Tiny." The second person to emerge was smaller than the first, hunched over awkwardly, and covered from head to toe in dusty, faded gray clothing. Even his head was covered in hastily torn bandages. The only things not covered were his hands (which also held a rifle) and one single piercing yellow eye, which swept the area relentlessly looking for any threats. His creativity spent on "Tiny", Roy decided to simply name this goon "One-Eye."

The third figure to emerge was actually rather surprising. A small, plain-looking woman climbed out and stood between Tiny and One-Eye. She wore a neat dress and her hair was tied back in a bun. Overall, she looked like she'd be more at home in the company of the secretarial pool rather than the grizzled gun-bearing men beside her.

It was the woman who was the first to notice Roy and Hawkeye. She waved to them enthusiastically. "Hello, chosen! Welcome! Please come closer!" She made a "come here" gesture with her hands. Roy and his lieutenant exchanged bemused glances. With a last, deep breath, Roy strode forward to the woman…

Only to be stopped several feet short, by two guns being leveled at his chest. "Oh, I forgot!" the woman exclaimed clapping her hands, "I'm sorry but could you please leave your guns and gloves at your feet?" Roy stripped off his gloves, while a clatter on the ground told him Hawkeye had dropped her gun. "Thank you!" the woman bubbled happily. "Now please slowly step over here without making any sudden movements. I'm afraid my companions can be rather skittish."

They did as they were told. Roy looked up at the heavily-worn face of Tiny as he passed. Skittish would be the last word he'd use to describe the stern bruiser.

The woman smiled when Roy and Riza came close to her. "Oh, it is so good to meet you! But where are my manners, I haven't introduced myself at all!" She bowed. "My name is Evelyn Hirsh, and I am but a humble disciple of his Holiness." Roy frowned when he heard the woman's name. It sounded familiar for some reason he couldn't put his finger on.

Evelyn turned and reached into the car, returning with two long strips of black fabric. "I'm sorry, but we will have to blindfold you. It's for safety reasons, you understand." She tied the cloth around Hawkeye's head first making sure to pull it tight. Roy came next and he was careful to remain calm as the scratchy black strip was pulled down over his eyes. A moment later, he felt a tug on his arm. "Come," Evelyn said, "Watch your step getting into the car. Large hands pushed down on his head, forcing him to kneel.

He slid over as far as he could, and was quickly bumped by another body he figured must be Hawkeye. He heard the sounds of more people entering, then a door closing. Shortly after that, the car began to move. He heard a very soft whisper next to him; Hawkeye counting out the turns they were making.

"Isn't this nice!" Evelyn chirped brightly. "Oh, and Mr. Hawkeye, I must tell you that our driver is purposely taking a very long and circuitous route. You'll find backtracking through them quite impossible."

Roy frowned. Whatever else this Evelyn woman and her 'god' were, they knew what they were doing. Getting out of this situation was going to be difficult.

"I hope my note wasn't too difficult for you," Evelyn said.

This caused Roy's head to snap sharply to where the woman's voice was coming from. "_You_ wrote that note?"

Evelyn clapped her hands again, the sound quickly starting to annoy Roy. "Oh yes!" she said, "It was such a bother leaving my workshop like that, but his Holiness works in mysterious ways."

"Your workshop?" the cry came from Hawkeye this time, "Then you're the one who tortured those people!"

Roy's heart sunk, as he suddenly remembered why the name Evelyn Hirsh sounded familiar. "You applied to be a state alchemist over a year ago. I sat in on your interview."

"You remember!" Evelyn exclaimed, "I was afraid you'd forgotten!"

Roy shook his head. "Oh, no, I couldn't forget a woman who submitted a paper like yours. You proposed that the military start turning various parts of a person's internal organs to stone as a way to get information out of them."

"You'd be amazed how cooperative people can be when you start turning parts of their stomach or liver into hard, thick stone," she said cheerily, "Oh and it works for keeping people from talking too! Just mineralize their voice boxes and they won't be telling any secrets! It does occasionally have the unfortunate side effect of tearing free and crushing the lungs, but well, that's the breaks." She let off a high-pitched laugh that set Roy's teeth on edge.

He frowned again. "As I recall, you hadn't actually had any success with your technique yet. That's why you were turned down."

Evelyn laughed again, and it was all Roy could do to keep from flinching in disgust. "I can do it now, thanks to the Lord! He saved me when I was at my lowest, and gave me everything I needed to fulfill my dream! He truly is a miracle worker!"

Hawkeye decided to join in. "Did he also give you a philosopher's stone?"

Sighing, Evelyn replied, "That is such a crude word for a gift from his Holiness, but yes, that is the common term for his blessings."

Roy pitched forward slightly as the car came to a stop.

Evelyn clapped her hands again. "Oh goody!" she said, "We're here!"

* * *

><p>-ooo-<p>

Another chapter down. To the two or three of you who are actually reading this story I'll try to update again no later than next week. There will be one more chapter.

-Thanks to the crew, creators, and cast of the FMA manga and anime series. I hope you and your loved ones are all okay.

-Thank you to those of you who review or leave feedback. I deeply, deeply appreciate it!

-And thanks to you for reading!

- Anne Packrat (April 30, 2011)


	4. A Hard Decision

[Fullmetal Alchemists and it's attendant characters and settings are created by Hiromu Arakawa, and distributed by Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation. No profit is made from this story. The villains in this piece and Mrs. Finch are my own original characters.]

What Makes a Man - Chapter IV: A Hard Decision

by Anne Packrat

* * *

><p>-ooo-<p>

Both prisoners were forcibly propelled through two sets of doors into the building, and pushed down into a chair. The blindfold was removed, and Roy blinked owlishly at the sudden return of light. Once his eyes adjusted, he looked around and saw that he appeared to be in _yet another_ abandoned warehouse. For some reason, an expensive looking rug had been rolled out on the floor, and a table and chairs had been set up. On the table was an elegant looking tea set. In the corner were several statues, he noted with some alarm. Statues very similar to the ones found at the crime scene earlier.

He was relieved to see that in the chair next to him was Hawkeye. Across the table sat Evelyn, and in the other sat an impeccably groomed black-haired man in his late twenties. Roy glanced over at Riza's chair, behind which One-Eye stood with a gun pointed at her. The sound of a gun being cocked behind his own chair confirmed that he was in a similar position, but his menacer was likely Tiny.

The man spoke and smiled warmly. "Hello. It is such a pleasure to meet you. I have heard many tales of the Flame Alchemist's exploits." He turned toward Riza. "And the same welcome extends, of course, to the famed Hawk's Eye sniper."

Roy adjusted his position; the gun held on him creaked as it also changed position. Roy fixed a neutral expression onto his face and looked at the man before him. "And what do you we call you? 'His Holiness' seems a bit too formal for my tastes."

The man laughed. It had a rich, but somehow cold sound to it. "I am Dominic Sterling. Perhaps you have heard of me?"

The name didn't ring a bell with Roy, but apparently it did with Hawkeye. "Dominic Sterling is one of the most prominent railroad tycoons in Amestris. He's the second son of the noble family. Several years ago he decided to enter the business world, and now he controls or outright owns forty percent of all shipping that occurs in this country. There are rumors that he is involved in more shady ventures, but nothing was ever proven. He is also one of the main people we were focusing on in the investigations of the murders."

Sterling gave a mock bow when she finished. "I am impressed, the lady has done her homework." He paused. "Oh, right, that's no longer the case is it? I suppose I should say the gentleman has done his homework." He smiled.

Roy looked over at Hawkeye, but her only reaction to the barb was a slight downturn to her mouth. He looked back at Sterling. "So why did you bring us here?"

Sterling shrugged. "I got impatient waiting for you all to figure it out. Really I expected more from your team, Mustang."

A brief flash of anger rose at his words, but Roy tamped it down before it could show. "So you wanted to be caught?"

Looking thoughtful, Sterling said, "Well, not particularly. But I was growing bored of this game. Plus, I wanted to see the one great alchemical masterpiece of Adam Hill in person."

"What do you mean?" Roy asked with a puzzled look on his face.

Sterling took three cups off the tray and poured tea into each. "Evelyn, be a dear and take these over to the Colonel and his aide." With a bow and a look of adoration Evelyn did so. Neither Roy nor Riza touched the cups.

"Oh do try it," Sterling said, "It's quite good. It's Xingese Green Tea." When again, neither moved to take it, Sterling shrugged. "Suit yourself." He took a sip of his own.

"What are you playing at, Sterling?" Roy said, his patience wearing thin.

Carefully putting his teacup down, Sterling wove his fingers together and rested them on his lap. "I suppose if this was a dime-store pulp story, this would be the part where the villain reveals his grand plan to the intrepid hero?" He smiled and stared at Roy. "It's also traditional to have some sort of deadly trap that the hero is caught up in, right? I'm afraid I didn't have time to prepare one. My apologies."

Roy crossed his arms. "Is it too much for you to give me a straight answer?"

Sterling shook his head. "Not at all!" He reached down for his tea, wrapping his hand around the cup, pinky sticking out. He took a deliberate sip. "Go ahead and ask whatever you wish."

Roy leaned forward and pointed toward the boxes. "What the hell is it with you and all these goddamn abandoned warehouses?"

Riza's eyes widened. "Sir! That's not an issue here!"

Holding out a hand to forestall any more protests, Roy said, "Hawkeye, forgive me, but I have to know!"

Looking decidedly nonplussed, Sterling blinked several times, then let out a bark of laughter. "You are funny, Roy Mustang! You should be in vaudeville." He took another sip of tea. "If you must know, I own many empty warehouses throughout Central. I keep them empty and use them as a tax write-off." He chuckled to himself. "You have amused me, Mustang. I think you've earned some sort of explanation, at least."

"Good," Roy said, a slight smirk forming on his lips. His little ploy had worked. "What were you saying earlier about Adam Hill? What is your connection to him?"

Sterling leaned back. "Ah, poor Adam. Such a shame. He was once a brilliant man you know, but then he went mad and became obsessed with angels. His sanity was pretty much all gone when he died."

"Angels?" Hawkeye asked.

Nodding, Sterling said, "The classical image of an angel, that of a sexless, winged, divine being, was what fascinated him most. He became completely consumed with creating one. He did work mostly on the wings, and ultimately he hit on the idea of making bird-human chimeras. Almost all of them were ugly and misshapen things though. Only one survived for more than a day." He gestured to One Eye who glared at him impassively. "That's the only successful chimera the man made, and even still, he's a disfigured hunchback. The only real success Adam had in all of his research was you two."

Roy frowned. "What does this have to do with us?"

"Another avenue of research he was exploring was how to make a gender neutral being. He didn't succeed in that, of course, but I'd say the first successful complete gender swap of two humans is impressive yes?" He grinned. "I must say I was quite tickled to hear that old Adam had transmuted the Flame Alchemist into a girl."

Said alchemist scowled. "So what the hell is up with this 'God' business?"

Sterling put down his cup and turned to the woman beside him. "Evelyn, can you please go make more tea?"

Bobbing her head, she replied "Yes, my Lord!" She strode out a door in the back.

"You should probably drink your tea now, because Evelyn can't make a good cup to save her life," Sterling replied. Once she was out of earshot he continued, "I didn't wish Evelyn to hear this, but I'll let you in on a secret." He leaned forward and his voice dropped to a dramatic whisper, "I'm not really a God."

"You don't say?" Roy said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

Sterling leaned back and took another sip of tea. "Actually, the alchemists came up with that themselves. It's all a bit embarrassing, really." He shrugged. "I gave them everything they needed to make their dreams come true, and by the time I gave them philosopher's stones, they had already come to think I was some sort of messiah. Alchemists generally aren't stable people to begin with, and they just took it a step further." He blinked in confusion and gave Roy an apologetic look. "Present company excluded, of course."

"Of course," Roy echoed, "So, what do _you_ personally get out of this?"

"Simply put, it amuses me," Sterling said, a smile on his face, "Plus there is always the slight chance that they could produce something useful."

Roy's hands tightened into fists, and his teeth clenched. Beside him, Riza was struggling to keep herself under control "Amusing?" he said, getting louder as she went on, "You find the torture and killing of innocent people _amusing_?"

Finally finishing his tea, Sterling deposited his cup on the saucer. He grinned and leaned forward, a determined glint in his eyes. "Why yes, I do. If the government can slaughter an entire race of innocent people under the pretext of a 'war,' then what's wrong with me finding the killing of a few petty thieves, prostitutes, and street trash amusing?"

Her body tense, Riza could no longer keep silent. "You let that woman murder children!"

"And you didn't?" Sterling returned. His gentlemanly mask was torn away, and he now regarded both soldiers with an icy glare. "I know what you two did in the war. You of all people have no right to judge _me_. I've had enough of this." He gestured to the two goons. "Kill them."

"Wait!" Roy cried out, "I have one request before you kill us." Sterling glared at him suspiciously, but eventually he nodded for Roy to continue. "My lieutenant loves tea, but she's never been able to afford Xingese green tea. Can she have a cup before she dies?"

"Sir?" Riza asked staring at him with confusion. Roy briefly flicked his eyes toward the covered man behind her. Her eyes widened in understanding, then she nodded ever so slightly. "Er, yes," Riza said, her attention on Sterling, "Please let me have a cup."

Sterling shrugged. "Who am I to refuse the request of a former-lady?" He took a new cup and poured out a measure of tea. He slid it over to Hawkeye. She picked it up and brought it to her mouth to take a sip… Then proceeded to fling the hot liquid with all her might into the yellow orb of One Eye. The bandaged covered man let out an inhumane screech and clutched his eye with both hands, dropping his rifle, which Hawkeye promptly picked up.

At the same time, Roy elbowed Tiny in the gut, then turned and kicked him in the groin. Tiny fell to the floor howling and clutching his privates. Roy grabbed Tiny's rifle and whirled on Sterling. "You really need to get better goons," he said to the businessman.

Frozen in shock, Sterling slowly put his hands up. "Okay, we can talk about this, right?" he said carefully. "I have something you want." He reached toward his coat pocket.

There was a loud click as Hawkeye turned off the rifle's safety.

Sterling gulped in fear, but continued reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a small object and briefly showed it to the two soldiers. It was a red-hued stone. "I think you know what this is," he said, "It's my last one, and it's almost used up, but it should be enough to change you back."

Suddenly, Evelyn entered carrying a teapot. She stopped in shock when she saw what was happening. "Why are you pointing guns at his Holiness?"

"Just a disagreement, Evelyn," Sterling said his voice level, "Come and put the teapot down." Trembling, the woman did as she was told. "Now Evelyn, those statues in the corner, you just made them a little over a day ago right?" The woman slowly nodded. "So, they are still alive then?" Another nod.

Raising the stone above his head, Sterling threw it onto the table and turned to Roy. "It's your choice, Mustang. Let me go and you can have the stone, saving those poor petrified people in the process. Or, you could let them die and fix yourself and your lieutenant. It's up to you."

"Not my art!" Evelyn cried, "You can't destroy my art!" She flung herself at Mustang knocking him over and sending the rifle clattering to the ground. All Roy could do was use his arms to protect his face from the woman's furious assault.

Sterling took advantage of Roy's distraction and ran toward the back of the warehouse. Two shots from Hawkeye narrowly missed him, the slugs imbedding themselves deep into the wall near the door. She cursed and ran to help the colonel. The two were struggling on the ground, Evelyn screaming incoherently and beating at Roy with her fists.

Riza seized one of the mad woman's arms, and between the two of them, they managed to pin her to the ground. "Blasphemers! Heathens!" Evelyn said, spittle flecking her chin, "Don't you dare touch my offerings to God!"

Seeing that Hawkeye had Evelyn pinned, Roy went over and picked up the Stone. He went back and crouched down next to the pinned woman. "Is the circle to change those people back the same as the one drawn on the floor of your workshop?"

She spat in his face.

Riza grabbed a hunk of the woman's hair and pulled her neck back at a painful angle. Evelyn grunted in pain. "You will answer the colonel."

"Yes! Yes, it's the same! Let go!" The sniper relaxed her grip. letting Evelyn's head bang against the floor. "Ow, that hurt, you bastard!"

"Sir?" Hawkeye asked, "Do you need this woman for anything else?"

Roy blinked in surprise. "No, not really. If the circle is the same as one at the crime scene, I can reverse the transmutation myself."

"Good." She swiftly whacked Evelyn upside her head with the butt of her rifle, knocking the woman unconscious. "I've been wanting to do that ever since the car ride. All that clapping was really annoying."

A grin formed on Roy's face, but it quickly faded when the reality of the situation came back to him. He put his hand on her arm. "Riza, I don't really have a choice here. I have to free those people…"

She stood and brushed off her pants. "I know. You have to do the right thing."

"I'm really sorry about this." He squeezed her arm in apology.

Riza put her hand over his and smiled down at him. "I'm not."

-ooo-

* * *

><p>Dominic Sterling rushed around his darkened house with a lantern, stuffing clothes, money and papers into a suitcase. "Where the hell is that passport?" he said angrily as he rifled through clothing and a stack documents.<p>

"And just where do you think you're going?" said a sultry voice out of the gloom.

Sterling swung the flashlight around. "Who's there?"

A very attractive black-haired woman with curves in all the right places stepped out into the narrow beam of light. She was wearing a slinky black dress with red piping that hugged her body tightly. Behind her, Sterling could dimly make out the shape of a similarly dressed rotund man.

"We've come to get a return on our investment," Lust said.

Eyes wide, Sterling waved his hands in front of his chest. "I need more time. I had a temporary setback you see, and-"

Lust strode forward, fixing him to the ground with a predatory glare. "You've had a year, and nothing to show for it." She paused just in front of him, "And no, giving the Flame Alchemist a nice rack doesn't count."

"Please!" Sterling pleaded, "Just another few days-"

Black nails shot forward and pierced his chest. "I'm afraid we need to terminate our contract." Sterling, gurgled, spat up blood and dropped heavily to the ground as soon as Lust retracted her claws.

"Can I eat him, please?" said Gluttony. His eyes glittered as he stared at the bleeding corpse.

Lust waved him on. "Go ahead. He's no use to us now."

Gluttony grinned and went to his meal with gusto.

After a few minutes, Lust's curiosity got the better of her. "So what does a god taste like?"

Putting a bloody finger in his mouth, Gluttony took some moments to ponder this. Finally he pulled his finger out of his mouth with a pop. "Tastes like chicken!"

-ooo-

* * *

><p>Epilogue<p>

* * *

><p>The doorbell to Roy's apartment rang. He groaned and stood, loathe to move from where he had been sacked out on the couch. The door opened to reveal Riza Hawkeye.<p>

"Lieutenant?" he asked in surprise, "Is something wrong?"

Riza shook her head. "No, I just wanted to check on you. Can I come in?"

Roy took a step back. "Of course."

She stooped to collect some bags and hurried in. Roy closed the door behind her.

"So how are you enjoying your first menstrual cycle, sir?" she asked, with a hint of mischief in her voice.

Roy put his hand on his head and collapsed back onto the couch. "It's _awful_!" he exclaimed, "I am so incredibly sorry I ever made fun of any woman's period. And I swear on the graves of my ancestors, that I will never ever do it again."

Riza grinned. "I'm sure the women of the world are very grateful, sir." Her grin faded. "I have some news about the case."

That got his attention. He sat up and turned toward her. "Did they find Sterling?"

She shook her head. "Not yet, I'm afraid. The investigators have found no trace of him at all. They feel he's either fled the country or met an untimely end elsewhere."

"If only that were the case," Roy sighed. "Anything else?"

Nodding, Riza continued. "There is some good news. Sterling's two henchmen have both been sentenced to lengthy prison terms. Evelyn Hirsh has been found guilty of multiple counts of murder, but she has been remanded to the prison mental institution."

"I suppose that is the best place for her," he said, running his hand through his hair, "Any news on the survivors?"

"They are still recovering from the strain of their ordeal and the two transmutations. Four of them are awake in various degrees of recovery, but the fifth, an ex-con named Issac Stone, is still in a coma."

Sighing, Roy leaned back on the couch. "I guess they can't all be winners, huh?" His eyes fell on the packages in Riza's hands. "Is that more clothes?"

"Yes," Riza said sadly, "I've taken out what I can wear, but most of them don't fit me anymore. They'll do more good in your closet than in mine. At least you can wear them."

Roy's smirk appeared, "Is there any underwear in there?"

She frowned and looked down at the bag and back up Roy. "I think so, why? I washed them if that's what your worried about."

"No, it's not that," Roy said shaking his head. His smirk grew, "I just find the idea of you giving me your old underwear kinda sexy."

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. "And yet, I don't find the thought of you giving me your old boxers to be appealing at all."

She lightly tossed the bag of clothes at him in hopes of getting him to be quiet. It didn't work.

"Com'n, Riza," Roy said, giving her his best pout, "You gotta find it at least a _little_ arousing."

Sighing, Riza replied, "It's just a piece of clothing, Roy. It doesn't mean anything else."

Roy humphed and picked through the bag's contents. He came across a small box "What's this?" He looked up at Riza, and was surprised to see she was blushing.

Riza looked at the floor, her cheeks pink. "That's from General Gruuman. Apparently it was my grandmother's."

He opened the box and was shocked to find a modest but well-made gold ring inside with a row of three small diamonds on top. "Riza, I-I don't understand."

Riza's cheeks were even redder than before. She examined the floor in minute detail. "Grandfather said it was only proper for my fiancee to have a ring."

Roy frowned, his brows furrowed in puzzlement. "But, that was only-" he was cut off mid-sentence.

"I know, but we've known each other for a long time, and apparently there has been talk between you two about this topic before." She gave him a quick glare. "A talk I was never told about, by the way."

He laughed nervously. "Oh, well, I didn't know he was your grandfather did I?" He looked down at the ring. "I can't accept this, Riza." He held out the ring box to her.

She closed her hand over his. This time she looked at him, but her cheeks were tomato-red. "Roy," she began, "It may have been grandfather's suggestion, but I'm not adverse to the idea." She smiled weakly. "Later, I mean, after you become Fuhrer."

Roy flushed and looked down at their joined hands. "Are you sure? I mean, I'm not exactly the man I once was."

Riza moved to sit next to him. She gave him a shy smile. "It doesn't matter if you're a man or woman, you're still Roy Mustang."

Her words set off something inside his body, and a gentle warmth spread all the way down to his toes. He smiled back at her and slipped the ring onto his finger. "I guess I'm not adverse to the idea either, as long as it's after we've achieved our goals."

"Thank you," she said, her smile widening, "I have to warn you though, that the general is very intent on having great-grandchildren."

He shrugged. "I like kids. I wouldn't mind having a few."

"Roy," she said, exasperated, "You do realize you'd be the one giving birth to them, don't you?"

As she watched the color drain from his face in horror, Riza sighed. It was a good thing she loved this man, because otherwise she'd never marry such an idiot.

-ooo-

* * *

><p>OMAKE - EXTRA - OMAKE - EXTRA<p>

* * *

><p>Both prisoners were forcibly propelled through two sets of doors into the building, and pushed down into a chair. The blindfold was removed, and Roy blinked owlishly at the sudden return of light. Once his eyes adjusted, he looked around and saw that he appeared to be in <em>yet another<em> abandoned warehouse.

A clink of a chain caused his attention to shift to the catwalk overhead. He squinted his eyes and could just make out the black and white-clad figure of a youth with pointy blue hair. He was carrying some sort of weapon which consisted of two blades connected by a chain. Behind him, Evelyn giggled and clapped.

"Kneel down before your god, mortals!" came the booming high pitched voice of a boy on the first stages of puberty, "You're in the presence of the Big Man!"

The "Big Man" made a move to jump off the catwalk, but tripped on the edge of it and fell ending up in a face plant onto the ground in front of them. Suddenly a young woman with a black ponytail materialized out of the chained weapon. "Blackstar?" the woman cried, "Are you okay?"

The boy sat up and gave the woman a victory symbol. "I'm fine, Tsubaki!" he said grinning idiotically. "You know it takes more than a little fall like this to hurt an invincible God like me!" His words were in direct contradiction to the blood dripping down his face and pooling onto the floor below.

Having had enough, Roy turned to his aide. He rubbed the bridge of his nose in a futile attempt to hold off the migraine he could feel coming on.

"Hawkeye, I need you to do something for me," he said.

She saluted. "Of course, sir! What do you need?"

Roy sighed and desperately wished for some aspirin. "Contact the publishers over at GanGan and tell them the editors have been mixing up the pages again."

-ooo-

* * *

><p>Author's Indulgence<p>

Well, hello there! Long time no see! I wanted to reenter the FMA fanfic world with a big bang, so I signed up for the LJ community FMA_big_bang. It's a community dedicated to promoting the creation of new long (over 10000) words FMA fanfiction.

It also pairs up artists and writers to create a more complete story experience. In that vein, I have one fabulous artist named Angela, who has created some nice preliminary sketches for this piece depicting the "Morning Wood" scene. Unfortunately she has not sent in a finished piece yet. I hope I see one soon.

Another very important part of my team is a very patient Beta I had by the name of alchemyotaku75. She is an avid writer herself, and you can find her works on Livejournal.

Writing this was quite difficult for me, since I am not used to doing long pieces or suspense stories. I decided to do both this time to challenge myself. When I decided to enter FMA Big Bang, I pulled out an old story I'd written the first scene of and never finished. As with most of my stories the final product is quite different than what I originally intended. But I am satisfied with this version.

Out of curiosity did anyone get the Rumiko Takahashi reference in the story? How about the relationships between the antagonist's first names? Anyone get it at all? Anyone? Bueller? Hello?

Oh in case you're wondering, GanGan is the manga magazine that FMA appeared in, along with the Soul Eater series that Blackstar and Tsubaki are from.

I am going to try to be more active as a writer now, both writing new pieces and continuing old ones. There is also the possibility of me entering the Soul Eater arena, since I've become a huge Soul / Maka fangirl. Although with the tepid response this has received I'm beginning to rethink doing more writing. I guess people just don't like my stuff anymore.

Anyway, onto the usual credits:

-A huge great thanks to everyone who has worked with any FMA series, in particular Hiromu Arakawa, who created the whole damn thing in the first place. I dearly hope that all of you and your loved ones are all right over there, and will continue to be in the coming months.

-Special thanks to my husband, who gave me time to write, but refuses to read my stories since he hates the state of modern fanfiction. You started this, love, so you only have yourself to blame for this. ^_-

-Mucho thanks and a huge debt of gratitude go out to Angela, my artist, and alchemyotaku75, my beta.

-Thanks as well to enemytosleep for creating and running the Big Bang community.

-And thanks to you for reading!

* * *

><p>Anne Packrat (March 14, 2011, Omake added April 20, 2011, Posted May 4, 2011)<p> 


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